As you may have known, I got myself into a bit of trouble lately. [audience cheers] And I'll tell you what happened. I was heading down to Florida to do a show, and I flew in on a private jet that you guys bought me. Thank you. It's niiice. We landed in Vero Beach, Florida, and there were cops waiting for me, and cops love me, so do firemen. Sometimes they will escort me from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. The cop came to me and said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying. And the cop says, "Well, may we search the plane?" I said, "You may absolutely not search this plane unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [Audience cheers] I do.
Ron White
And they ask me, "Well, is it alright if we let the drug-sniffing dog walk along the outside of the plane?" I said, "That's fine," and the dog walks back and forth a few times, and the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," and I was like, "...No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was starting straight at him! He didn't wink, blink, woof, or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? [Mimes a blank stare] That's all he did!" And the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," And I said, "Well I said there are no drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or...Ah, f**k it, whatever." It takes them an hour and a half to search this plane, and I'm standing there going, "Oh, come on!" And of course there are no drugs on the plane, and I think that's it, and then the cop goes, "Now that dog needs to sniff that bag you have with you," and I was like, [Scooby Doo voice] "Ruh Roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. I consider myself OUT of marijuana when I have 7/8 of a gram. That's no weed.
Ron White
I flew all the way from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my manager doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big, like a pack of gum with eight people in it, just (imitates sound of a tiny airplane). We took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Care and Tire Center there. We were going half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite. There was a goose behind us, the pilot was screaming, "Go around! Go around!" On the way there, we lost some oil pressure in one of the engines, so we had to turn around. It's a 9-minute flight...can't pull it off with this equipment. And they told us about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda just went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure." [gives a thumbs-up] Heard ya! Sure did. Everybody else was panicking, but I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't care." Ever have one of those days? "Hit somethin' hard, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind; apparently, he had a lot to live for. He turns to me, he says "Hey man! [gasps for air] Hey, man! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far will the other one take us?" [As himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that's where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hour! We're haulin' ass!"
Ron White
Since one cannot create "real depth" by carving a hole in the picture, and since one should not attempt to create the illusion of depth by tonal gradation, depth as a plastic reality must be two dimensions in a formal sense as well in the sense of color. "Depth" is not created on a flat surface as an illusion, but as a plastic reality. The nature of the picture plane makes it possible to achieve depth without destroying the two-dimensional essence of the picture plane. ... A plane is a fragment in the architecture of space. When a number of planes are opposed one to another, a spatial effect results. A plane functions in the same manner as the walls of a building. ... Planes organized within a picture create the pictorial space of its composition. ... The old masters were plane-consciousness. This makes their pictures restful as well as vital...
Hans Hofmann
I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. [Audience cheers] You folks don't mess around, you know? Everyone was going, "It's your birthday," I was like, "It's my birthday!" "Do you want a drink?" "SUUURRREE!" And I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and then the staff asked me, "Do you want to party?" I was like, [Slurring]"I want to party." "Do you want to dance?" [Slurring] "I wanna dance!" I passed out, you guys, and woke up at a place called the O.P. [Audience laughs and cheers] Yeah, the reason you people in El Paso are laughing is because you KNOW! I had no idea it was an "Alternative" night club. I'm in El Paso, I thought O.P. stood for: Orale prese! That is a bad way to sober up, you guys. I'm just dancing, you know [Imitates beat-box music] Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom- [Jumps like something's behind him] HEY! [Audience laughs] And behind me was this little guy going, [Little effeminate voice] "Pikachu!"
Gabriel Iglesias
You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on COPS a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the f**kin' Suburban!
Ron White
White, Ron
White, Shaun
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