Ron White
American stand-up comedian and satirist from Fritch, Texas.
[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
One time, I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'm thinking, "I can see his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"
The next time you have a thought- let it go.
I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I was riding in a car with two dogs and my wife, and the wife said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I said, "Shit," or whatever the hell I said, because I don't like going to the bank, everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be back in 5 minutes," but there's no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn on the property, with two signs that both say "No Dogs", so I take my dogs over there. A guy comes out with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm like, "Well, the sign's wrong. It should say, 'two dogs'."
(About valet parking in Atlanta) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot, I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said, "Get out my fucking way!"
Have you ever seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look like shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. After a while, their bodies become intolerant of other things. I'll give you an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and later in the day he said- and I quote- "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beef broth in it." Your system's kickin' back broth? You're a manly man, aren't you?
I got 2 Scottish Terriers because if you drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just send you the dogs. And we got another 200 head of Scots on a little ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, and little toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you ever saw. No, but I do have 2 little Scottish terriers and their names are Birdey and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that's cute, they're named after your golf game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they would be called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?...Which is kind of a long name for a pet.
She and I got into another argument about the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. So I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" contest and she won. And I used the money to buy me some new tires, and she super-glues my dick to my stomach, so you see how things get out of hand? [scratches himself] Still itches.
Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're, uh, sitting around the, uh, the dining room table, and uh, my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. My mom goes, "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I shoulda told my story first.
I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had alot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet...I like to keep them on my tour bus and just rub them in my face...I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT? I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying!
Diamonds- that'll shut her up...for a minute! (suggesting a new slogan for DeBeers Diamonds)
My favorite place to make love is on my tour bus, because if I can't quite get it there, I just yell up to the driver, "Pump the brakes!" (makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh! chhh! chhh!) Faster! (chh! chh! chh! chh!) Thanks, Pat! Boy that Pat sure can fuck, can't he?