Mitch Hedberg (1968 – 2005)
American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"
You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."
I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe s. Reese-apostrophe-s, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Intro* Alright, there are a lot of people in the bathroom and I don't wanna waste these jokes, so I'm gonna hang out for a little bit. Are there speakers in the bathroom? Alright well fuck it, let's do it. I'll just save my more physical stuff for later; this is all audio.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.
A guy told me he liked cherries...but... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato...before I realized he likes cherries just...all right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.
I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.
I play sports...no I don't, what the fuck?