Kathy Griffin
Emmy-winning American stand-up comedian and actress.
Everytime she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like, "You know Rene, maybe tonight iz ze night zey do not come?"
So then, she looks at Brooke (Shields)'s Dad with his newer wife, and she's like "So, now you're with my ex-husband. Well, congratulations, you can have him"! It was fucking on!!
And yet she has the fucked-up baby voice! And is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? Mmmm, yummy! I'm hard thinking about it.
(describing Celine Dion's family of 14 siblings) You know there is just issues and boundries and secrets. The name of my book.
I prefer big Oprah. I know Oprah wants to be skinny Oprah, but her head is too gigantic to fit on a skinny body. She has to accept that, like Kirstie Alley, she was meant to be...ahm....voluptuous!
Isn't Scientology one of those things where you really like someone and once you hear they're a Scientologist, you're like "I'm out"?
[Impersonating Celine) "Zis next song iz for all ze parents in zer audience, and also zer children"...(looks puzzled).... that's just everybody, right?
When I go to a wedding, I live for the wedding cake. It's all I care about. So Brooke at one point calls me and says "C'mon, we're gonna get started", so I go and sit in the very front row, as close to the wedding cake as possible, cause I literally want that second piece. So anyway, I sit down and I'm right in the front row with Brooke. And it turns out she meant come sit here cause Tuck and Patti are starting, like, their full concert!! And I thought, oh shit! And I'm looking at the wedding cake, salivating like a dog!
Oprah decides to go with her "friend", Gayle.
I know I'm going to Hell. And I think I might see a few of you there. When I get there, it'll be like (waving) "Hi", "Hi", "Oh my God....Hi!"
The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque de Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan, she's a very good hostess.
I guess the contortionists are cool right, very impressive, they're doing stuff we can't do. But for me, once you see the gay guy bend over and fuck himself, I'm done!
Next thing I know, there a baby in my ter-litt!
(About Elisabeth Hasselbeck) Really Hasselbeck, you're gonna throw down with me? I mean, really? If you're gonna come to the play yard, be prepared to fucking play!
Donna (Karan), you have huge jugs, you could totally be a manager at Hooters!
Now the great thing about the current Britney (Spears) tour, is that it has a lot of fantastic dancing... and she doesn't get bogged down in any....ahm...singing!
(On William Shatner) He is like my favourite red-faced, bloated booze bag.
(On Paris Hilton) Believe it or not, I sort of know her a little bit. And based on that, I'm here to tell you that she is actually.......um.....retarded!
Apparently, Courtney Love was at Whitney's "intervention". And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hittin the pipe too hard, well, things are bad! They're really bad!
I don't know about you, but I fucked a midget. I have secrets.