Jeff Foxworthy
American comedian and actor, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers . . . I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house, preferably in their boss's front yard... But it's better than the system we used to use: "Hey dude, get up! Give us a ride home, man! C'mon, whaddaya say? We'll buy ya a beer!"
In my life, I have driven some crappy vehicles. But I have never been so desperate for a vehicle that I wanted a used rental car.
Women [in bed] are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like ...bottle rockets. <makes noise of a bottle rocket launching and then exploding> Ooh. Aah. <snores>
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?"
[Talking about "The First Singles Apartment"] They're all furnished pretty much the same way. In your bedroom, you have the mattress on the floor, protected by a mountain of dirty clothes, milk crates for night stands, lava lamp with a permanent glob at the bottom, stolen road sign on the wall, a blanket for a curtain, out in the hall it was the mystery stain on the carpet, Budwiser mirror on the wall. Out on the balcony it was the rusted out Hibachi grill, plant with no leaves on it, bike with no chain on it. In the den you had the spool. If you get one of those, you'll be like "it's coffee table time!" Next to that the $9,000.00 stereo. We're going hungry, but we've got tunes! That was the stereo, you could turn it on after midnight and make the people down the street wet the bed. And the beanbag chair with duct tape on it to keep the stuff from fallin' out of it.
Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now."
H ell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
(To his wife) You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"!
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic -- bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta -- the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.
On life's list of fun things to do, [visiting my in-laws] comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty!"
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy."
[from a skit about airports] You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes."