Janeane Garofalo

"There's always [on women's magazines] that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'"

"I loved Chasing Amy. I absolutely loved it. I really really did. I thought it was so great. It was a romantic comedy for people who hate romantic comedies basically and it spoke to a demographic that never ever ever gets addressed. The kind of smoking, comic book reading, you know uhm, I can't even be really clear on what I mean but if you know what I mean you know exactly what I'm talking about. It was such a great movie but here's the thing about that movie that made me weep. The scene wherein Ben Affleck, the dreamy comic book artist, stops the car and professes his love for Joey Lauren Adams, the baby voiced lesbian. And that's also my favorite — these male movies with the lesbians that look like that. Did you go to the Dykes on Bikes parade? I don't think so. Not a lot of Joey Lauren Adams walking around at the Dykes on Bikes. I also went to the Dykes Who Love Their Dogs. And I'm not even gay. Yes I can see how you'd make that mistake. And if I was gay I'd be proud proud proud. You know who my favorite kind of gay is? In the parade? The bantamweight hispanic who is frequently given to flights of fancy and drama. Very wiry. Will wear the lamee' lace-up football pants type shorts and the Doc Martins and he's always dominating the float. 'Ooh! ooh! doo doo de Ooh! Ooh!" I love every time the float stops. "Ooh! ooh! --oh oh oh." And they have to grab the pole and regain their composure. That's my fave. That's my favorite gay. When asked, that's my favorite gay. And then it was so funny 'cause it was gay pride weekend as you know and I'm on — for those of you who are not familiar with New York out in TV land whatever — Christopher Street is a hotbed of gay activity! It's a wonderful place to be. But I'm walking my dogs. All roads lead to my dogs, don't they? I'm walking my dogs at midnight 'cause they go out for their final midnight walk so that I can sleep until seven. If they don't go out at midnight they get up at five. So I'm walking the dogs and it's like midnight on Gay Pride night and everybody's just proud as punch and there's so much activity and then there's this one guy that drives by in a car going 'We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!' and I was like 'Dude you are so preaching to the converted! Who are you being — Where — Why do you have a chip on your shoulder? You're on Christopher Street!' You know? It was like so weird! 'Get used to it!' And he was really nasty and he's talking to like huge drag queens with feather boas coming out of their asses, you know? So the thing about Chasing Amy was, okay, so Ben — Did I say this already? Or did I digress? When Ben Affleck pulls the car over and talks to Joey, and tells her how he feels about her? I was like going 'That will never happen to me. That will never ever happen to me.' And by the way honesty does not work except for celluloid so don't even try that, but to tell people that you like them will only serve to make them not like you. I mean that's basically that's all that's gonna do. No matter how much you liked them, if they're going to give you a full disclosure, now they're not cool. 'You like me? Oh...' Like that's--? So even if it did happen to me, it can't happen to me, because if the cute comic book guy says 'I love you and I'm better for loving you' or all this stuff then I would have to go like 'Well you're gonna have to take me home because I don't respect you at all anymore. Be a man! God! Be aloof! What's your problem? Don't call- You want me to like you? Don't pick up that damn phone! Don't--' but everybody else seems to find a soulmate, have you noticed that? Everybody else seems to be able to make it happen, and I'm talking about even people-- Okay. I can't make it happen yet somehow Chang and Eng the siamese twins attached to the chest and Stephen Hawking and the Shine guy and that kid who shot his face off are all happily married and breeding and I don't want to sound like a dick about this but come on! I mean, these people have sex! And uhm, not only that but Chang and Eng fathered like nine and ten kids a piece while being attached to the chest so and I know that the ladies as a rule are tolerant. I know this about the female sex if they like the guy they're tolerant but we are really pushing the envelope here with Stephen Hawking and the guy who shot his face off, y'know? And I'm worried because I have matronly upper arms, y'know? I can't get intimate because I have matronly upper arms and there's two kinds of women in the world: those with matronly upper arms and those with visible biceps and never the twain shall meet, because the bicep gals don't get it and the matronly upper arms girls know about life and love and losing and do you know how hot it has to be for Garofalo to go sleeveless and why I'm referring to myself in the third person which I've never ever done before tonight. I've never ever referred to myself as 'Garofalo' ever. I sound like I'm on an intramural flag football team or something. I will wear a sweater or a sweat jacket or a long-sleeve shirt until it's literally a hundred and ten degrees out, but tonight I wore a short sleeve thing because it's really hot up on stage but I'm telling you it has to be extenuating circumstances. I actually went sleeveless three days last week because you know how hot it was, plus I can't turn the air conditioner on in my apartment because Mercer has a chronic respiratory infection and the air conditioner exacerbates that so we sit around and sweat a lot."

"There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'."

"I think right about now I should answer some questions that are probably on your mind. You're probably thinking to yourself, 'Janeane, why are you not wearing the half-shirt that you're usually so fond of wearing? Because when we see you we like to see the half shirt.' You know I'm very fond of that and I'm fond of the low-slung jean and the thong, as you know. In fact when I go into a bar and I see ladies wearing the low-slung jeans and the half-shirts, I go up to them and say, 'On behalf of everyone here, thank you. Thank you!' 'Hey, pretty lady, are you wearing a thong? What a creative way to create favor with the opposite sex. That is so exciting. Let me understand the dynamic of the thong: so there's just a slender thread that just resides in your nether region for the better part of the day - just a string that rides in your anatomical hinterlands...it just hangs in there all day at work and then all day at the bar, so I can see how the gentlemen find that so exciting.'...Don't 'ooh' me, I'm not the one with the thong!"

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

"Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now."

"Hey, who wants to hear the stories about my ruptured ovarian cysts? Do you? It's great. It is a story that has been passed down from generation to generation and we love it. So here's the story. I was looping a film, and I sneezed, and passed out. They thought I had appendicitis so they took me to the hospital, but as it turns out, I had ruptured a series of ovarian cysts that unbeknownst to me were residing in my area, and as you know if you've seen me work before I still have the 'don't ask don't tell' policy with my vagina. I don't bother it. It- She. She minds her own beeswax. I stay up here. She doesn't sass me. You know no back talk. None of that. She's not flippant at all with me. So we had to find out about my cyst by having a very thorough exam by the gynecologist. Again, another cure for hubris if you're suffering from that. Whilst he's down there, he peers up from between my knees and goes 'you know my wife and I... LOVE you on The Larry Sanders Show!' And I was like 'That is so great and now I think you can enjoy it on a whole 'nother level, you and your wife!' And with that I left the office, and the thing is is that I've noticed is that I get recognized rarely but only at inconvenient times when it would be not good to be recognized. There is- uhm.. Whenever I'm coming out of a public restroom. Usually Starbucks, go figure. I don't know why but inevitably someone will be like a fan out of the restroom but let me say this and you know I don't like to work blue and this next theory is not for the squeamish but let me just say this. I'll put it this way. The person who was in the bathroom prior to me? Let's say, compromised the integrity of the room? Shall we say? Kind of had their way with the bowl. And hey man I know the stall she is a harsh mistress sometimes. I know that. I'm no stranger to the fight but, it's not me! You know? And so it's like the person ahead of me who shows no respect and, I'll come out and the person's about to go in and I'm just like 'aw man.' Because you know they're gonna say, 'I saw the girl I don't know what her name is but that girl, she stinks!' "

"Anybody who French bashes just might as well wear a badge that says 'I am a follower! I don't think for myself and I have no idea what I'm talking about.' That would be a French basher."

"You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages."

"No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not!"

"The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens...You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error."

"To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that."

"Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in."

"I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person — as the people in this room will attest."

"Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country."

"But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart."

"The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much."

"And here's some legislation: Thank the good lord that this passed before the break for vaycay. No cloning! No cloning! Urgent! Big red rubber stamper! Let's get this out of the way! Let's deal with this! The no cloning issue. Uhm, I wasn't really worried about it. I don't know about anybody else, but it really wasn't keeping me up nights. I think I'll worry about it when we finally get our jetpacks and our food pills for five course meals. I think then we'll deal with that because I think during Roddenberry times we were promised those two things and I haven't seen them, but just in case that wasn't enough for you, for Congress to get involved, the Vatican had something to say about it. The Vatican Counsel met, and I took this out of the New York Times, here's what they said after a big meeting, " 'Human cloning would not lead to identical souls because only God can create a soul,' a panel set up by Pope John Paul has concluded." Right on! They also took care of a couple other things that were burning issues. Apparently Trix are indeed for kids, and one other thing. After much deliberation it has been decided that no you cannot tackle the kid after he releases the ball in Smear The Queer. Can't do it. So we got that out of the way."