Emo Philips
American comedian famous for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.