Emo Philips
American comedian famous for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.