Chris Rock

Yo, it's gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be President, 'cause Barack Obama has to overcome a handicap that the other candidate does not have to overcome. That's right. It's gonna be hard for Barack Obama to be President because Barack Obama has...a black wife. And I don't think a black lady can be First Lady of the United States. Yeah, I said it. I said it in Johannesburg, I said it! [cuts to London] I said it in London, England, I said that shit! [cuts to New York] I said it at the Apollo Theatre, I said that shit! I don't believe a black woman could be First Lady, 'cause you know why? Because a black woman cannot play the background of a relationship! [some women boo] Don't get me wrong, a black woman could be President with no problem. First Lady--too much shuttin' up in that job. Can you imagine tellin' your black wife that you President? "Honey, I won, I'm President!" "No, we President! And I want my girlfriends in the cabinet! I want Kiki to be Secretary of Defense! She can fight, she can fight."

Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!

That's right, "tell your mama", "tell your mama", "tell your mama" … nobody tells daddy shit!

What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? Well then they say, "well if you hire Jonnie Cochran, you're going to look guilty." Yeah, but you going home! You want to look innocent in jail? I'd rather look guilty at the mall.

That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on!

We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?

Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four.

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

The Trenchcoat Mafia! "No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia …" Hey, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

I'm watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets … no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.

Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that "I can't get a cab" shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back: "Main Street!"

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America … but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.

A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

Hey, man don't let all this celebrity garbage fool you. It's all just a trick to get your mind...off...the...war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.