Billy Connolly
Comedian, Musician, Presenter, and Actor.
Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!"
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
You've made a happy man very old.
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.
That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!
I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!