Billy Connolly
Comedian, Musician, Presenter, and Actor.
They should all join the Brothers of the Beige- "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony."
I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring.
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around.
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather.
[Stamps his foot, which knocks his drink over] Oh fuck, I did this last night as well!
There is no such thing as bad language: it's just our morals that are fucked.
I know at least... oh my God, at least 127 words. And I still prefer "Fuck".
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.
Look at this way: if we all ate one person, the problem would be halved over-night. Think about it: I could eat someone you don't like, you could eat someone I don't like... where's the fucking damage?
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
[to the front of audience] What was I talking about? Can you remember, eh? What? [to audience at the back] Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to someone! [to front again] Button your cardigan, I can see your cleavage.
Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.