Billy Connolly
Comedian, Musician, Presenter, and Actor.
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie!
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
Toblerones! It's impossible to eat a fucking Toblerone without hurting yourself!
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house...and take that fucking bulldozer with you.
Suicide fucking bombing, there's a bright idea. Every time there's a bang, the world's a wanker short.
(To audience members who were arriving late) You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here.
You said, "If you're ever in Los Angeles we must have dinner"- well, he's here. That's not an invitation! Translated, it means: "You're a boring piece of shit, I'm off, I've had enough of you!"
I'm a huge filmstar... but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first fifteen fucking minutes. I'm the only guy I know who died in a fucking Muppet movie.
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
You've made a happy man very old.
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
[Singing] "Oh, the big fire engine goes ding-a-ling-a-ling." No, it fucking doesn't. It used to.
That man (Ronald Reagan, who was President of the USA at the time), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television!
I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left!
They should all join the Brothers of the Beige- "The Beige Sisters of Premenstrual Agony."
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."
Recently, I turned 60... and even more recently, I turned 62. That was a bastard, I don't even remember the 61.