A. P. Herbert (1890 – 1971)
English humorist in many literary forms, a law-reform activist, and an independent M P representing Oxford University.
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The Farmer will never be happy again;
He carries his heart in his boots;
For either the rain is destroying his grain
Or the drought is destroying his roots.
The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose. He does not play cricket because it is a good game, but because it creates good citizens. He does not love motor-races for their own sake, but for the advantages they bring to the engineering firms of his country. And it is common knowledge that the devoted persons who conduct and regularly attend horse-races do not do so because they like it, but for the benefit of the breed of the English horse.
"Was the cow crossed?"
"No, your worship, it was an open cow."
It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is.
The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance.
A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.
Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.
It is like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock, which not only is itself discredited but casts a shade of doubt over all previous assertions.
Let's stop somebody from doing something!
Everybody does too much.
As my poor father used to say
In 1863,
Once people start on all this Art
Goodbye, moralitee!
Nobody's wrong but England – and England's always wrong,
Too late – or else too early – too soft – or else too strong.
And when for once the wide world begins to praise her name
Her own sons crowd and hurry to shout her back to shame.
The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity
Are constructed with considerable care.
A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist.
The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.
Don't let's go to the dogs tonight,
For mother will be there.
For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.
There's alcohol in plant and tree.
It must be Nature's plan
That there should be in fair degree
Some alcohol in Man.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
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