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Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!
--
Mitch Hedberg: Oh, I bet you do! Only don't think about the fact that there might be police around! What have you got there, we... dope? You f**king doper? [beat] Arrest that dude!!

 

Mitch Hedberg

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He [somebody at Carnegie Mellon University] had betrayed us. But he didn't just do it to us. Chances are he did it to you too. [Pointing at member of audience.] And I think, mostly likely, he did it to you too. [Pointing at another member of audience.][Laughter] And he probably did it to you as well. [Pointing to third member of audience.] He probably did it to most of the people here in this room -- except a few, maybe, who weren't born yet in 1980. Because he had promised to refuse to cooperate with just about the entire population of the Planet Earth. He had signed a non-disclosure agreement.

 

Richard M. Stallman

 

(After asking the audience about their negative experiences with Marijuana)
BB: So, what form did these experiences take?
Audience Member: Swimming with dolphins! (mentioned earlier on the show)
BB: (misunderstands) Dolby? What, you hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss? (As Audience Member) I like to hear the world in Dolby, it's fantastic! Mind you, it means that no snake will I ever hear. And I said that in a very strange way. [As Yoda] No snake will I ever hear, mmm! [Normally] Never put Dolby on snake detectors, that's what we must remember.

 

Bill Bailey

 

BB: I'm actually from the West Country...
[solitary cheer from audience]
BB: Hypnotized, or actually? What are you doing here?
Audience member: I had to come.
BB: What do you mean you had to come here? What, you were on some dark purpose?
Ch. 4, 07:38

 

Bill Bailey

 

(Audience member): What's your mood watch say?

 

Steve Martin

 

You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

 

Dave Attell