I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
Mitch Hedberg
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
Your good friends naturally bring out the best and sometimes the worst sides of you, and you go from there. I'm not a rusher. I'm horribly suspicious at first of people. It's being everyone's friend on the telly - when I meet someone they expect me to instantly be that best mate for them and occasionally you get up with a shit in your pocket and you don't want to talk to anyone. I don't mind a gab but occasionally I really am rude. And occasionally I really enjoy it.
Liza Tarbuck
We light the oven so that everyone may bake bread in it. If I survive, I will spend my whole life at the oven door seeing that no one is denied bread and, so as to give a lesson of charity, especially those who did not bring flour.
Jose Marti
When I was a boy, I had a clock with a pendulum that could be lifted off. I found that the clock went very much faster without the pendulum. If the main purpose of a clock is to go, the clock was the better for losing its pendulum. True, it could no longer tell the time, but that did not matter if one could teach oneself to be indifferent to the passage of time. The linguistic philosophy which cares only about language and not about the world, is like the boy who preferred the clock without the pendulum because, although it no longer told the time, it went more easily than before and at a more exhilarating pace.
Bertrand Russell
We lived more by the sun than by the clock, but I did own a clock. It was an eight-day windup console clock which I kept on the mantel in the living room, and it was the only timepiece in the house that worked anymore.
James Howard Kunstler
Hedberg, Mitch
Hedges, Chris
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