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My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

 

Mitch Hedberg

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Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

Intro* Alright, there are a lot of people in the bathroom and I don't wanna waste these jokes, so I'm gonna hang out for a little bit. Are there speakers in the bathroom? Alright well f**k it, let's do it. I'll just save my more physical stuff for later; this is all audio.

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

I got out of the bathroom of course. I locked the front door and pushed the big wardrobe up against the bathroom door. I thought it'd be good to be careful. A little too late, maybe.
I'm not leaving my apartment. I'm not gonna give it away. No. There's no reason I should.
The noise from the bathroom was the shattering of my porcelain toilet bowl.
They're in the bathroom. A lot. There's a lot of them. A bunch of sniffling snouts. A bunch of rats.
They're already chewing the wardrobe. I'm standing in my room, listening to their swarming.
Thousands of rats, in my apartment. All of them gnawing. I wait. Wait for them to get in. They'll be in here soon. It won't be long.
They're coming. Rats. My rats.
I'm waiting. What else can I do?

 

Andras Petocz

 

I don't think we care anymore about what we're gonna do. We're just gonna be our own band and we're not gonna pretend to be any more rock or any less whatever than we are. We're kinda hardcore kids, we're kinda a metal band in this weird way, we're kinda into soul, we're kinda into folk, we're kinda into a lot of stuff and we're just gonna do whatever we do.

 

Patrick Stump

 

Come to think of it, I'm gonna- I'm gonna make him bald, and make him- and make him sweat acid. And I think I'm gonna give him weird bladder problems, and romantic problems..Y'know what?! THE WHOLE THING!

 

Patrick Stump