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I've been waiting for that! (After an audience member requests "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd.)
--
1993-11-18 at Sony Music Studios, New York City, New York (MTV Unplugged)

 

Kurt Donald Cobain

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BB: So, who here has a guinea pig?
Various Audience Members cheer
BB: What kind of guinea pig?
Muffled suggestions from audience members
BB: Nah, you're not serious about it! (Imitates guniea pig owners) "I dunno, some brown thing...". So what breed?
Audience Member: Crested!
BB: (misunderstands) A what? A crusty...a crusty guinea pig? (Imitates owner) I think you should take it to the vet as soon as possible! "Gah, it's crusting over again, it's crusting up Captain!!" (understands) Ah, crested? What you have there is a newt I think, madam! Some bloke in a pub sold you that! (as man in pub) "Yeah, that's a crested guinea pig, they're lovely, them..."

 

Bill Bailey

 

He [somebody at Carnegie Mellon University] had betrayed us. But he didn't just do it to us. Chances are he did it to you too. [Pointing at member of audience.] And I think, mostly likely, he did it to you too. [Pointing at another member of audience.][Laughter] And he probably did it to you as well. [Pointing to third member of audience.] He probably did it to most of the people here in this room -- except a few, maybe, who weren't born yet in 1980. Because he had promised to refuse to cooperate with just about the entire population of the Planet Earth. He had signed a non-disclosure agreement.

 

Richard M. Stallman

 

I was speaking out in Minnesota — my hometown, in fact — and a guy stood up in the audience, said, "Mr. Friedman, is there any free trade agreement you’d oppose?" I said, "No, absolutely not." I said, "You know what, sir? I wrote a column supporting the CAFTA, the Caribbean Free Trade initiative. I didn’t even know what was in it. I just knew two words: free trade."

 

Thomas L. Friedman

 

I said "Anyone Jewish here?" and someone goes "I'm Jewish!" and I said ... "And what year is this now in the Jewish calendar?" And she goes, "Er, I wasn't expecting questions, to be honest ..."—and then turned to her presumably gentile friend and had a bit of a natter—and then came back with the single finest answer I have ever heard from a member of an audience, where, without any shame at all, she just went, "Yeah, it's the Jewish Year of the Rat."

 

Dara O Briain

 

As you may have known, I got myself into a bit of trouble lately. [audience cheers] And I'll tell you what happened. I was heading down to Florida to do a show, and I flew in on a private jet that you guys bought me. Thank you. It's niiice. We landed in Vero Beach, Florida, and there were cops waiting for me, and cops love me, so do firemen. Sometimes they will escort me from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. The cop came to me and said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying. And the cop says, "Well, may we search the plane?" I said, "You may absolutely not search this plane unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [Audience cheers] I do.

 

Ron White