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H ell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

 

Jeff Foxworthy

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My girl in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right! i'll be waitin right here! well maybe here, oh hell you'll see me" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"

 

Bill Engvall

 

I'm not good at the protocols of dating. [laughs] I'm not really experienced in that. My girlfriend is my second or third girlfriend. I think in the past none of us really knew when we were "dating"-we were just hanging out and doing things. I didn't go to high school so I missed the prom.

 

Beck

 

"No no, Jock…we're going to push him out of a window. Your bedroom window, I think. Yes, and we'll undress him first and say that he was making advances to you and jumped out of the window in a frenzy of thwarted love."
"I say, Charlie, really, what a filthy rotten idea; I mean, think of my wife."
"I never think of policemen's wives, their beauty maddens me like wine."

 

Kyril Bonfiglioli

 

The New York Times is cheering the decision of Mount Holyoke College to stop requiring that students submit their SAT scores for admission, ending what the Times calls "the tyranny of the big test." While conceding that the SAT measures "mental dexterity," the editorial complains that the test does not capture qualities such as "motivation" or what the student "learned in high school."
The SAT also doesn't measure compassion, speed or good looks. It does, however, measure something more than the ability to suck up to your high school teachers and guidance counselors.

 

Ann Coulter

 

I'm staying here in Seattle at the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. For one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like much, but if you've ever sat on a cold toilet seat and you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's niiiice. It kinda loosens your bowel muscles and just helps you crap, you know? And on the wall, there's a row of buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing, and the other says Front Cleansing, and there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden, I'm that guy! I've got a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing [beat] how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead cen-ter! And below that button is another button that says Oscillate, and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that point I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."

 

Ron White