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"I loved Chasing Amy. I absolutely loved it. I really really did. I thought it was so great. It was a romantic comedy for people who hate romantic comedies basically and it spoke to a demographic that never ever ever gets addressed. The kind of smoking, comic book reading, you know uhm, I can't even be really clear on what I mean but if you know what I mean you know exactly what I'm talking about. It was such a great movie but here's the thing about that movie that made me weep. The scene wherein Ben Affleck, the dreamy comic book artist, stops the car and professes his love for Joey Lauren Adams, the baby voiced lesbian. And that's also my favorite — these male movies with the lesbians that look like that. Did you go to the Dykes on Bikes parade? I don't think so. Not a lot of Joey Lauren Adams walking around at the Dykes on Bikes. I also went to the Dykes Who Love Their Dogs. And I'm not even gay. Yes I can see how you'd make that mistake. And if I was gay I'd be proud proud proud. You know who my favorite kind of gay is? In the parade? The bantamweight hispanic who is frequently given to flights of fancy and drama. Very wiry. Will wear the lamee' lace-up football pants type shorts and the Doc Martins and he's always dominating the float. 'Ooh! ooh! doo doo de Ooh! Ooh!" I love every time the float stops. "Ooh! ooh! --oh oh oh." And they have to grab the pole and regain their composure. That's my fave. That's my favorite gay. When asked, that's my favorite gay. And then it was so funny 'cause it was gay pride weekend as you know and I'm on — for those of you who are not familiar with New York out in TV land whatever — Christopher Street is a hotbed of gay activity! It's a wonderful place to be. But I'm walking my dogs. All roads lead to my dogs, don't they? I'm walking my dogs at midnight 'cause they go out for their final midnight walk so that I can sleep until seven. If they don't go out at midnight they get up at five. So I'm walking the dogs and it's like midnight on Gay Pride night and everybody's just proud as punch and there's so much activity and then there's this one guy that drives by in a car going 'We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!' and I was like 'Dude you are so preaching to the converted! Who are you being — Where — Why do you have a chip on your shoulder? You're on Christopher Street!' You know? It was like so weird! 'Get used to it!' And he was really nasty and he's talking to like huge drag queens with feather boas coming out of their asses, you know? So the thing about Chasing Amy was, okay, so Ben — Did I say this already? Or did I digress? When Ben Affleck pulls the car over and talks to Joey, and tells her how he feels about her? I was like going 'That will never happen to me. That will never ever happen to me.' And by the way honesty does not work except for celluloid so don't even try that, but to tell people that you like them will only serve to make them not like you. I mean that's basically that's all that's gonna do. No matter how much you liked them, if they're going to give you a full disclosure, now they're not cool. 'You like me? Oh...' Like that's--? So even if it did happen to me, it can't happen to me, because if the cute comic book guy says 'I love you and I'm better for loving you' or all this stuff then I would have to go like 'Well you're gonna have to take me home because I don't respect you at all anymore. Be a man! God! Be aloof! What's your problem? Don't call- You want me to like you? Don't pick up that damn phone! Don't--' but everybody else seems to find a soulmate, have you noticed that? Everybody else seems to be able to make it happen, and I'm talking about even people-- Okay. I can't make it happen yet somehow Chang and Eng the siamese twins attached to the chest and Stephen Hawking and the Shine guy and that kid who shot his face off are all happily married and breeding and I don't want to sound like a dick about this but come on! I mean, these people have sex! And uhm, not only that but Chang and Eng fathered like nine and ten kids a piece while being attached to the chest so and I know that the ladies as a rule are tolerant. I know this about the female sex if they like the guy they're tolerant but we are really pushing the envelope here with Stephen Hawking and the guy who shot his face off, y'know? And I'm worried because I have matronly upper arms, y'know? I can't get intimate because I have matronly upper arms and there's two kinds of women in the world: those with matronly upper arms and those with visible biceps and never the twain shall meet, because the bicep gals don't get it and the matronly upper arms girls know about life and love and losing and do you know how hot it has to be for Garofalo to go sleeveless and why I'm referring to myself in the third person which I've never ever done before tonight. I've never ever referred to myself as 'Garofalo' ever. I sound like I'm on an intramural flag football team or something. I will wear a sweater or a sweat jacket or a long-sleeve shirt until it's literally a hundred and ten degrees out, but tonight I wore a short sleeve thing because it's really hot up on stage but I'm telling you it has to be extenuating circumstances. I actually went sleeveless three days last week because you know how hot it was, plus I can't turn the air conditioner on in my apartment because Mercer has a chronic respiratory infection and the air conditioner exacerbates that so we sit around and sweat a lot."
--
self-titled TV comedy special, 1997

 

Janeane Garofalo

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If you confine it, you're confining a whole thing. If you make it spontaneous, so that anything can happen, like we don't want to confine or restrict anything. What we can do, whatever we can let happen, you just let it happen. ... we're taking sex, which is probably another half of American entertainment, sex and violence, and we're projecting it, and we're saying this is the way everything is right now. Biologically, everyone is male and female, so many male genes and so many female. And so what it is is we're saying "OK, what's the big deal. Why is everybody so up tight about sex?" About faggots, queers, things like that. That's the way they are. ... People don't accept that they are both male and female, and people are afraid to break out of their sex thing because that's a big insecurity that's doing that. Consequently, people will make fun of us. We don't mind that, that's making them accept more, making fun that we accept that. The thing is this is the way we are. We think it's a gas. ... We like reactions — a reaction is walking out on us, a reaction is throwing tomatoes at the stage, that's a healthy psychological reaction. Reaction's applauding, passing out or throwing up, and all of that is a reaction, and as much of that we can get, the better. I don't care how they react, as long as they react.

 

Alice Cooper

 

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I was riding in a car with two dogs and my wife, and the wife said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I said, "Shit," or whatever the hell I said, because I don't like going to the bank, everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be back in 5 minutes," but there's no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn on the property, with two signs that both say "No Dogs", so I take my dogs over there. A guy comes out with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm like, "Well, the sign's wrong. It should say, 'two dogs'."

 

Ron White

 

Chocolate bread! That's how they start the day. It's only going to escalate from there. By lunchtime you're f**king everybody you know. I was in Paris recently—they are very good at pleasure. I was walking by a bakery—a boulangerie, which is fun to go into and to say, even—and I went in, a childish desire to get a cake—"Give me one of those chocolate guys," I said—and I was talking to someone on the street, took a bite... I had to tell them to go away! This thing! I wanted to book a room with it! "Where are you from, what kind of music are you into? Come on!" Proper, serious pleasure. Because they know they're gonna die. Nobody goes to church. You think, we're gonna die, make a f**king nice cake.

 

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And I love walking someone else’s dog. I don’t have the luxury of having a dog myself because I travel too much, but I love walking and cuddling somebody else’s dog. I just came back from the shelter today and they let me walk three dogs at lunchtime. It was great.

 

Ingrid Newkirk

 

A science fiction movie? I don't know. I think I have made one already... Chasing Amy. Because you go ask any lesbian, that'll never happen. Even if, and probably especially because, the dude is Ben f**king Affleck.

 

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