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I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

 

Emo Philips

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Actually you can get caught with your wife. Me and my wife were going at it one time and the cleaning lady walks in on us, which let me tell you is a lot better than the other way around. The other way and you wind up saying stuff like, "I'll pack my shit...when it stops burning!"

 

Ron White

 

Guys I'm going to let you in on a secret. This is going to take a big weight off your shoulders, so I want you to may attention, cause here it comes... If you only have sex with your wife, you can't get caught. [Makes a gesture with his hands on his shoulders] You feel that, guys? Nobody gives a rat's ass. No guy is going to bust in the bedroom door, "White, you motherfu- Is that your wife you're screwing!" (Makes motions like he's having sex and turns and looks over his shoulder and says nothing just gives a look as if to say, "Smart ass!') Actually I may have exaggerated that stroke a little. (Makes motions again, but this time a lot faster.) Ferocious piece of ass. But easily winded.

 

Ron White

 

I have heard it said that a man caught between his wife and a Wise One often wishes for a dozen old enemies to fight instead. A man caught between a wife and three Wise Ones, and the wife a Wise One herself, must consider trying to slay Sightblinder.

 

Robert Jordan

 

You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm f**king up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."

 

Jon Stewart

 

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I was riding in a car with two dogs and my wife, and the wife said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I said, "Shit," or whatever the hell I said, because I don't like going to the bank, everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be back in 5 minutes," but there's no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn on the property, with two signs that both say "No Dogs", so I take my dogs over there. A guy comes out with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm like, "Well, the sign's wrong. It should say, 'two dogs'."

 

Ron White