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But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can f**k a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so f**king cheap."

 

Chris Rock

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If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and misogynistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

 

Chris Rock

 

This presidential race is the biggest dick contest in history. "Your dick is indecisive!" "Your dick started an unnecessary war!" "Your dick didn't get injured enough in Vietnam!" "Your dick didn't even go to Vietnam!" "Your dick is soft on terrorism!" "Your dick started terrorism!" "Your dick blamed Vietnam vets for atrocities that made all vets unable to come home to a hero's welcome." "Your dick forged its way out of military service!" Has this kind of dick-waggling happened before outside of a pro-wrestling context?

 

Margaret Cho

 

[On 2 Live Crew] One song was 'Suck My Dick'. Not please. Not honey, do you have a minute? 'Suck My Dick'. Like soomething the Beatles coulda rolled out. "Hey, Jean, would you like to write 'Suck My Dick'?" "Well, I don't know, do we have time? Sounds like such a hard song to write." That was the song! 'Suck My Dick'! F**kin' album sold two million records with a song called "Suck My Dick"! Like the guy got up one morning and went, "you know, today I wanna write a song. Today I want to write a love song. I want to write a song that tells how a woman and a man feel when they meet each other for the first time and they fall in love; I want to put into words feelings that men have always had, but they've never been able to express. All right, I think I'll call this song..." [Pauses, then the audience yells "Suck My Dick"] Yeah. It's that song that's gonna be on that f**kin' Golden Oldie rap album in ten years... "Where were you when you heard 'Suck My Dick?'" Remember those old days?

 

Sam Kinison

 

"I'm just like you. I enjoy the forbidden fruits in life, too. I think it's un-American not to go out with a woman, not to be with a beautiful woman, not to get my dick sucked ... It's just what I said before, everybody in this country is a big f**king liar. [The media] tells people ... that this person did this and this person did that and then we find out that were just human and we find out that Michael Jordan cheats on his wife just like everybody else and that we all cheat on our f**king wife in one way or another either emotionally, physically or sexually or one way."

 

Mike Tyson