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All I really want to do is, baby, be friends with you.

 

Bob Dylan

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Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

 

Steven Wright

 

I wrote it about a friend of mine who married his high school sweet heart. They had a baby together and one day, when the baby was about four months old, my friends wife was driving down the road by herself, pulled over to the side and she just died in her car.

 

Tommy Lee

 

My wife wants a dog. She already has a baby. The baby’s almost two. My wife says that the baby wants the dog.
My wife has been wanting a dog for a long time. I have had to be the one to tell her that she couldn’t have one. But now the baby wants a dog, my wife says. This may be true. The baby is very close to my wife. They go around together all the time, clutching each other tightly. I ask the baby, who is a girl, “Whose girl are you? Are you Daddy’s girl?” The baby says, “Momma,” and she doesn’t just say it once, she says it repeatedly, “Momma momma momma.” I don’t see why I should buy a hundred-dollar dog for that damn baby.

 

Donald Barthelme

 

Well, long tall Sally, she's built for speed,
She's got everything that uncle John need.
Oh baby, yes baby, woo baby, havin' me some fun tonight.

 

Little Richard

 

When all of your friends are getting pregnant, you start thinking about it. But for Amy and I, show business is our baby.

 

Will Arnett