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We went back, afterward, after the show was over that night, I took my kids backstage and said, "You know what? I know my dad's songs..."
--
Talking about an unsuccessful performance of Alice's Restaurant Massacree, and how his children who were onstage for the performance did not know how to help him. (Live in Sydney)

 

Arlo Guthrie

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Back around 1971, I was playing in a bar in Chicago one night, and after the show, I was packing up my guitar and stuff, and I was walking out the door, and a little guy stopped me. And he said, "Arlo, before you leave, I wanna sing you a song." I said "Come on man, I don't wanna hear no songs. I hate songs. I don't even like my songs! Why should I like your songs?" I was just tired, I wanted to get out of there, I was being a butt-head. He said, "Arlo, I just wanna sing you one song." I said, "Tell you what. Buy me beer. I'll sit here and drink it. As long as it lasts, you can do whatever you want." He said, "That sounds like a good deal. I said "It does?" It turned out to be one of the finer beers of my entire life.

 

Arlo Guthrie

 

"Can you tell me the time of the last complete show?"
"You have the wrong number."
"Eh? Isn't this the Odeon?"
I decide to give a Burtonian answer.
"No, this is the Great Theatre of Life. Admission is free but the taxation is mortal. You come when you can, and leave when you must. The show is continuous. Good-night."

 

Robertson Davies

 

[Writing songs] is no different than explaining to somebody what you dreamed last night: No one ever gives you crap for what you dreamed last night. "I was laying in my bed, and all of a sudden a stallion jumped on my bed and the next thing I know I was in Mars but it looked like my kitchen" . . . That's kind of what I do with my songs, write them in a dream-like manner. It's up to people to swallow it however they want.

 

Jason Mraz

 

I tour the South, though, I do. I love touring the South. Some people up North are afraid of the South, it's weird. I'll do a show in, like, Alabama. I'll tell someone I did a show in Alabama and they'll be like, "Oh my God! What was that like?" Oh, you know, chairs, a microphone. Oh, I'm sorry, I know what you're looking for. I'll tell you what it was like. Well, I flew into Birmingham. The Imperial Wizard from the Klan picked me up at the airport. Rode to the club on the back of an old mule. Tried to get a joke out over the shouts of "jewboy go home." At the end of the night I go "Where's my check?" They go, "You're not gettin' a check. You're gettin' this bag of porkrinds." Is that the answer you were looking for, you narrow-minded fake-liberal f**k?

 

Todd Barry

 

I love Karl Lagerfeld, and they [PETA] hate him because he showed fur in his collection, and they protested his fashion show. People were chanting outside, "KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER! KARL LAGERFELD IS A MURDERER!" And I thought, "Wouldn't it be fabulous if Karl Lagerfeld actually was a murderer?" Like, what if he just f**kin' lost it one day...backstage at a show in Milan...and bludgeoned Elsa Klensch to death with a platform shoe. "I HATE THAT BLOUSE!"

 

Margaret Cho