Thursday, December 14, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Tucker Max


Author and the creator of Tuckermax.
Tucker Max
Yinzer "DAMN!! I wish I had your balls!"
Max quotes
I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten. The Midget Story.
Max
You see, I have fucked an amputee and a set of twins. If you add in a midget, you are looking at a legendary trifecta. How many other people can say they have done that? Seriously, raise your hand if you even know someone who has done that. Yeah, some of you have fucked midgets. Some of you have fucked amputees. Some have even fucked a set of twins. But how many can honestly say you have done all three categories? I'm not going to say that I'm the only guy on earth who has done this, but I would bet you could fit all of us into a Prius. The Midget Story.




Max Tucker quotes
EEK EEK EEK!! That's dolphin for 'I'm sorry.' But you already knew that.. The Midget Story.
Max Tucker
I was very thirsty. Laying in the bathtub, looking up at the faucet, I thought of a great idea. So I turned the nozzle on full blast, and put my mouth up to it. It was like drinking from a firehose, but I was too drunk and dehydrated to notice that I was getting completely soaked, or that water was shooting out of my nose. My 21st Birthday.
Tucker Max quotes
Redheadedcalin doll: Doll comes with an innocent smile. Pull her string and doesn't speak, she just opens her legs. Action Figures.
Tucker Max
You ever wake up in the middle of the night because a couple of cats are clawing each other to death outside your window? That's what it's like listening to you speak.The Absinthe Donuts Story.
Max Tucker quotes
Tucker "Are you married?"
Max
I try to make them understand it's not about getting pussy, it's about having fun. It's not about getting drunk, it's about being with your friends. It's not about dishing out put downs, it's about the thrill that comes with improving a witty line. It's not about being an asshole, it's about refusing to let others define your life. It's ultimately about being the person you want to be, and all the manic happiness that comes with that. My Name is Tucker Max.
Max Tucker
Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours? The Midget Story.
Tucker Max
9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.'The Absinthe Donuts Story.




Tucker Max quotes
The Academy should give Caitlin a fucking Oscar. She delivered her scripted lines perfectly, even improvising beautifully with the "uncle Tucker" bit. And I should get an award for choreography or something. Tucker uses child labor to get a date.
Tucker Max
What are you looking for, McSeaBass? Its been the same menu for 40 years. Its all McShit. Just fucking order! The Absinthe Donuts Story.
Max quotes
KJ :Jesus Christ, you are amazing. Where did you learn to fuck like that? TM: Home schooling. The (almost banned) Miss Vermont Story.
Max Tucker
Tucker "You guys going to Milwaukee?"
Max Tucker quotes
We can't get kicked out of McDonald's! This is like the DMZ of drunk eating. The Absinthe Donuts Story.
Tucker Max
I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The Austin Road Trip.
Tucker Max quotes
I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds. The Absinthe Donuts Story.
Tucker Max
I turned down $2 million for this script. There's absolutely no way that had I filmed the script through a major studio they would have done anything but fuck this movie up. They would have cut all the balls off the comedy, they would have put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, they would have changed Tucker to make him fall in love, and all this stupid shit that would have driven me up a fucking wall.
Max Tucker
Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I? The Absinthe Donuts Story.


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