Rita Rudner
American comedian and writer.
[about her talk show] I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair and I don't help anybody.
Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".
Money is the root of all jewelry.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
[advice to a woman who can't decide between 2 men] Remember, Humphrey Bogart was not the first choice for Casablanca; Ronald Reagan was. So maybe if Ronnie had taken the part, Humprey Bogart could have been president. And maybe if you date this guy, you could be president too!
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I love being married, I do. It's so great to find that one special person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.