Monday, June 26, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Rita Rudner


American comedian and writer.
Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rudner quotes
[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)
Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?




Rudner Rita quotes
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rudner Rita
When I was a kid I had two friends, and they were imaginary, and they would only play with each other. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
Rita Rudner quotes
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
Rita Rudner
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men how about "New Car Interior"?
Rudner Rita quotes
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Rudner
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
Rudner Rita
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.




Rita Rudner quotes
Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
Rita Rudner
To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
Rudner quotes
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Rudner Rita
Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
Rudner Rita quotes
In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
Rita Rudner
Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
Rita Rudner quotes
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love...I'd stepped in it a few times. [HBO: "Born to be Mild"]
Rita Rudner
I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.
Rudner Rita
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.


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