Jeff Foxworthy
American comedian and actor, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it."
Men like beer and something naked.
Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.
[On why criminals rob nice-looking houses] Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in a light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more."
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."