Saturday, December 16, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Emo Philips


American comedian famous for his eccentric appearance, surreal humor, and the bizarre cadence of his voice in the delivery of his lines.
Emo Philips
Ambiguity the Devil's volleyball.
Philips quotes
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Philips
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."




Philips Emo quotes
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...
Philips Emo
I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
Emo Philips quotes
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips
I like walking in the park... plucking out nose hairs. Those sleeping winos hate that.
Philips Emo quotes
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
Philips
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!"
Philips Emo
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Emo Philips
I ran three miles today... finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."




Emo Philips quotes
I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips
I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them. And I hear giggling behind me. At first I don't mind, but the giggling continues... Finally, I thought "What's so amusing?" I turn around, and these two guys, for the last, oh, half hour or so, have been throwing darts into my head. It's a good thing I heard them! I said, "Look, you bums," 'cause I was angry now, "As soon as this game is over, hit the road!" But as I left that bar, one thing stuck in my mind...
Philips quotes
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.
Philips Emo
You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!
Philips Emo quotes
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Emo Philips quotes
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"
Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!"
One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..
Philips Emo
People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.


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