Friday, November 16, 2018 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Doug Stanhope


American stand-up comedian.
Doug Stanhope
With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.
Stanhope quotes
"Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism.
Stanhope
I had a girl say this to me. She goes "you know, if god intended women to suck dick, he'd have made cum taste like chocolate" I said "Yeah, but he had to make it taste like bleach so you remember to do the laundry"




Stanhope Doug quotes
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
Stanhope Doug
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Doug Stanhope quotes
Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.
Doug Stanhope
It's thirty days since the terrorist act. George Bush has told us to go back to our normal lives and to go back to what we used to do, so I've gone back to thinking that George Bush is a soft-headed tit and a danger to all of us.
Stanhope Doug quotes
Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fuckin' tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!
Stanhope
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Stanhope Doug
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.
Doug Stanhope
Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.




Doug Stanhope quotes
I'm kinda out of shit. Not in this set, I mean I have some stuff I put on paper. But in the long term, I think I'm outta shit. [I'm] fucking cannibalizing my own— seventeen years, how much more do you have to say? If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. [...] Every time an artist dies young- Kurt Cobain, or whatever, there's always the people "It's so sad, he had so much more to give." — How do you know? Maybe he was out of shit. How do you know? He's done. He got all the money, he did all the drugs, he fucked all your holes. And that's the American Dream, and when you're done with that you go "Oh, that's why they call it a dream. — It's bullshit, I'm still empty." And he cashed out. How do you know what any artist had left? How do you know if Jimi Hendrix hadn't had died he wouldn't have wound up doing Superbowl half-time duets with Elton John right now?
Doug Stanhope
Are there any vice cops in here? You dicks. How do you do that for a living? I don't understand. I first read these stories and I think "Don't you have real crime to fight somewhere?" But then you think about it vice cops don't fight real crime; that's not their job. Real cops fight real crime. A vice cop's only job is to fuck up the party.
Stanhope quotes
Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.
Stanhope Doug
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people they're silly and fucking irritating.
Stanhope Doug quotes
You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.
Doug Stanhope
If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Doug Stanhope quotes
"A national day of prayer"? Does that scare the spine out of anyone? Especially when you consider that it's all those dog-shit religions that start these fucking wars to begin with. Ninety percent of every war that's ever been fought is because of some made-up, mind control, completely fictional religion. You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north". No, it's because you got a silly, placebo religion cuz you don't want to admit that you don't fucking know.
Doug Stanhope
I love homosexuality.
Stanhope Doug
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.


© 2009–2013Quotes Privacy Policy | Contact