Friday, June 23, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Daniel Tosh


Comedian who currently resides in Los Angeles, California.
Daniel Tosh
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."
Tosh quotes
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant
Tosh
I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.




Tosh Daniel quotes
Kangoroos can't hop backwards.
Tosh Daniel
I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"
Daniel Tosh quotes
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
Daniel Tosh
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?
Tosh Daniel quotes
It's not a stereotype if it's always true.
Tosh
I can say that. I have a television show.
Tosh Daniel
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.
Daniel Tosh
Do you know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets.




Daniel Tosh quotes
You are a sick freak who should be beaten.
Daniel Tosh
You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.
Tosh quotes
You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in a 40 degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're fucking fishin'."
Tosh Daniel
The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant's publicist. Cuz Kobe was accused of rape, and all he had to do was settle in court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number and win a championship and that soulless town in LA couldn't be prouder. I just hope that when parents let their kids run around in #24 jerseys, they have the decency to say: 'well come on, number 8 was the rapist. Number 24 has a great work ethic and an unblockable turnaround.'
Tosh Daniel quotes
You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea.
Daniel Tosh
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. [Mimes throwing change] "Ow! Were those nickels?" Yeah, it's a down economy, I'm a baller on a budget, bitch!
Daniel Tosh quotes
Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's, like, "Whatever, queer". That's a hate crime!
Daniel Tosh
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
Tosh Daniel
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.


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