Friday, June 23, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Christopher Titus


American comedian and actor who had a well-received yet short-lived show entitled Titus.
Christopher Titus
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health.…and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
Titus quotes
[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.
I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just 'bout to here.
And I knew the window couldn't take it.
She said, "Open the door, you bastard, or I'll fucking break it!"
Well, I couldn't do that; 'twas my father's place.
So I opened the door, and she cracked me in the face!
And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"
Titus
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people and talk about all the crap in her life and those people could have sat around and laughed with her, it would've meant nothing and she could have moved on cool. It's also possible she could have taken out the whole front row with a large-caliber weapon.




Titus Christopher quotes
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me...But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.
Titus Christopher
Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.
Christopher Titus quotes
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan's anus. But for legal reasons, I have to call her, "Kate."
Christopher Titus
... And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? [Laughter] You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.
Titus Christopher quotes
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.
Titus
[about his mother] Without her I don't exist. Without her, I wouldn't be doing this for a living. Without her, in four states it would still be legal to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. She touched a lot of lives.
Titus Christopher
[on his father's last wishes before dying] "I want to be cremated. Then I want to you to take the ashes, I want you to put them in a douche bottle, find a hooker, and run me through one more time." [groans and disgusted laughs] On my children, I did not write that. I am repeating it.
Christopher Titus
I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.




Christopher Titus quotes
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job…she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
Christopher Titus
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.
Titus quotes
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.
Titus Christopher
So Thomas Jefferson said "Every generation needs a new revolution". Now our grandparents had World War II, fought the Nazis. Our parents had the Civil Rights Revolution. Our generation has....Shamwow and Prozac. That's it, man. We just went through the worst decade since disco and how did we deal with it? We bitched on the Internet, got medical marijuana cards, and played Grand Theft Auto.
Titus Christopher quotes
Mad cow disease, monkey pox, bird flu, mosquito viruses — did the animal kingdom have a meeting? "Who here is tired of being food and clothing? ... Cows, get on it... MOO!"
Christopher Titus
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or...You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!
Christopher Titus quotes
Let's define "terrorist organization." A terrorist organization is an organization that makes you feel scared all the time and makes you change your behavior. What does CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC do all the time? That's right. Wolf Blitzer? Terrorist. Glenn Beck? Terrorist. Nancy Grace? Terrorist. AND her plastic surgeon. The only news organization that is not a terrorist organization is the BBC. Because the BBC can make the worst things sound okay. [British accent] Hello, welcome to the BBC. Satan has re-entered the planet. He is picking up babies with his talons, ripping off their heads, and sucking out their souls. We're in for a thousand years of darkness, all hope is lost and now, the World Cup update.
Christopher Titus
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, (a la a game show announcer): "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!"
Titus Christopher
Thomas Jefferson said, "The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." Yeah and I heard that and thought, "I'm out!"


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