Tuesday, August 22, 2017 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Bill Engvall


American comedian, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
Bill Engvall
Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.
Engvall quotes
Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.
Engvall
(mimicking a fish's gills wither side of his neck) "Hey..." (cracks) You paid to see it... "hey... Ever eaten a worm?" (2nd fish) "What? When did you eat a worm?" "Oh I was on the riverbank... catching my breath..." - thank you, those of you who got that...




Engvall Bill quotes
I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."
Engvall Bill
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
Bill Engvall quotes
My girl in high school had a 12 foot boa constrictor, she named it Fluffy. That's just sick in my book. Well, we go over to her house, I don't know about the snake, and she says, "Hang on while I get into something more comfortable, okay?" and I'm like, "All right! i'll be waitin right here! well maybe here, oh hell you'll see me" A few minutes later, she comes out wearing that snake around her neck, I'm backin' away, saying, "No thanks, I can drive." She says to me, "No, wait, Bill. Fluffy can wrap around us while we make love." I said, "No, he can't. 'Cause I'll kill him. Okay?"
Bill Engvall
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
Engvall Bill quotes
A friend bought two cakes for his wife's birthday, with a "3" on one and an "8" on the other.
Engvall
My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that . . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was . . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"
Engvall Bill
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
Bill Engvall
Engvall's car breaks down on a highway, there's smoke pouring out of the hood, and a motorist stops to help him.




Bill Engvall quotes
Jeff's, Larry's, and Ron's Heres Your Sign.
Bill Engvall
Engvall pulls his car into a gas station after his tire goes flat.
Engvall quotes
I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."
Engvall Bill
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
Engvall Bill quotes
In the store, Bill is buying some pants.
Bill Engvall
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".
Bill Engvall quotes
Engvall and his wife have, for three days, had a cement truck in their yard to re-do their porch.
Bill Engvall
[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.
Engvall Bill
There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.


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