Alison Bechdel
American cartoonist.
Mo: [to Anjali] Don't you "whatever" me, you postmodern prepubescent!
Clarice: To most people, it's obvious that the Whitewater allegations and the sexual harassment suit are politically motivated. And everyone else is too jaded to care if Bill fucks his cat.
Raffi: Fucks!
Toni: Do you want the honor of recording that under "Baby's first word," or shall I?
Bookstore boss: [to Mo] The self-service kiosks have enabled us to cut down on staff, but some customers still feel the need to speak to an actual human. That's where you come in.
Customer: Excuse me, do you carry Jewish New Year cards?
Boss: I'm sorry, our New Years cards don't come in till November. But we'll be getting Jewish Christmas cards then, too!
Mo: My sister-in-law had her baby! I'm an aunt! My brother's a father! My mother's a grandma! My dad's a...
Sydney: I think I can generalize from there.
Toni: Well... straight couples get respect when they marry. Maybe we need to make some kind of symbolic affirmation of our commitment to one another!
Clarice: You mean...
Toni: Yes! Let's open a joint checking account!
Clarice: Oh, darling! But this is so sudden!
Samia: I'm all the trouble you need. Do you know why I invited you here?
Ginger: For the Brussels sprouts tartare?
Samia: For the long, discreet tablecloths.
Raffi: Okay, it's time to make another deposit to my therapy fund.
Mo: Uh... sorry. I was just wondering why you're... you know... using that if normally you just use crutches.
Thea: Well, the chair is so much more dramatic, don't you think? I use it when I want people to feel extra sorry for me.
Mo: I wish it were me instead of you.
Sydney: Yeah. I'm getting the sodium pentothal. You have to go sit with my parents.
Miriam: Look, don't fixate on the due date. It's just an approximation. Only 5 percent of babies actually arrive on it. Most come later, in fact.
Clarice: Great! How much later? Two days? Three?
Miriam: Let me give you a friendly tip, Clarice. Don't get too hung up on keeping a tight schedule for the next, say, eighteen years or so.
Ginger: Get off it, Mo. If I can't ogle, I don't want to be part of your revolution.
Toni: Mamá... MAMÁ! I'm paying peak long-distance rates here. Could you save the Hail Marys until we hang up?
Harriet: [making an excuse] Um... I'm looking for a copy of The Wheat-Free Guide to Creative Visualization in Co-dependent Past-Life Relationships.
Mo: Huh. Jeez, I never heard of that one... Wonder if it's in spirituality or cooking.
[A social worker has shown up to talk about Raffi's adoption during dinner with Toni's parents]
Sr. Ortiz: What's going on here?
Toni: Uh... mamá y papá, Gwynne... viene de la iglesia! ?Sí, sí! Y viene para hablar... uh... del bautizo de Rafael! Decidimos que sería bueno que lo bautizaramos! (Mom, dad... Gwynne is... from the church! Yeah! And she's here to talk about, uh... Rafael's christening! We've decided to get him baptized!)
Sra. Ortiz: Gracias a Dios!
Sr. Ortiz: How very good of you to come, Sister.
Gwynne: Back at ya, brother! It's a pleasure in this day and age to meet folks who are so supportive of their daughter's decision.
Sra. Ortiz: That is unusual?! This country is even more wicked than I thought!
Gwynne: Yes, it's a shame, but many lesbians' parents tend to disapprove.
Sr. Ortiz: What does her being a ... a homosexual have to do with it?
Gwynne: Exactly, Mr. Ortiz! If only more people felt like you!
Nurse: Ker... Kru... Crutchoffski, breast conservation? How are we feeling?
Sydney: A bit like an endangered wetland.
Stuart: Will you explain to me what these lesbian and gay groups are doing in bed with conservative Republicans?
Lois: Getting reamed. But they seem to like it.
Mo: Thanks for the lentils! I have to go home now and rethink my priorities!
Lois: [intercepting a man in the women's bookstore] Can I help you find something, sir?
Man: Um... just browsing.
Lois: Hmm... I find that publication rather tame myself. Have you ever seen this one? This month there's a hot photo spread of three totally tattooed babes with strap-ons doing an armpit shaving scene. And if you're looking for a real thrill, check out the story, "She Came in Waves," in this new female ejaculation anthology!
Man: 'Scuse me, I think I left my car at a hydrant.
Anjali: Oh, wow. I am tripping out that I actually get to work here! Being constantly surrounded by books! Bringing ideas, poems, and manifestoes to the world! How can you stand it?!
Jezanna: That reminds me, Lois. The lube shipment just came in.
Mrs. Pidgeon: That little girl whose mother is in the, um, "threesome." Why do you say she's confused about her gender? She seems perfectly normal to me.
Sparrow: Mom, she's a boy.
Mrs. Pidgeon: Oh. Well then, I'm not quite so worried about that revealing top. I was going to speak to her mother.