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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
--
track 3, "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler"

 

Mitch Hedberg

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I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

 

Mitch Hedberg

 

I meet a lot of people, dude, and I've never been star-struck, but I met Scott and I was like, "Hi Scott - my name is durrrh" He was like, "Are you alright, dude?" and I was like, "Yeah - I mean, my name's Chester and I think you're great, I just wanted to tell you" I felt like a total schmuck! He was like, "Well, are you in a band or what?" and I was like, "Yeah, I'm in a band called Linkin Park" and he was like, "You just played today, right?" and I went, "Yeah" and he went, "I've heard real cool things about you - good luck!" and I was like, "Nargggh" And I mean, when I met him, I was in the middle of talking to the bass player from Green Day and these bands are like of the same calibre, but talking to the bass player from Green Day, I was totally comfortable - "Yeah, dude, what's up, man? It's cool to meet you!" - and here comes Scott and I'm like, "Urrrgh!" I don't know why - maybe I'm gay!

 

Chester Bennington

 

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was "well timed" in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word "Wait!" It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This "Wait" has almost always meant "Never." We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that "justice too long delayed is justice denied."

 

Martin Luther King

 

Largo: "Chill, dude. I'm sure we'll get deported eventually. Remember that roadtrip we took to Canada?"
"Actually, I was kind of hoping to avoid that experience again..."
"Hey come on... we got handcuffed by real Mounties! That was cool."

 

Fred Gallagher

 

I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. HE WAS EATING A PEAR!! How do you f**k that up?! Unless he was eating it like "AHHHHHH!" *throws pear* "THAT'S A DELICIOUS PEAR!!!"

 

Dane Cook