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My phone will ring at three in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't f**king know! If I knew that, we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

 

Lee Evans

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So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a f**king idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that?

 

Michael McIntyre

 

This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today tryin to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talkin about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six [mumbling incoherently] fou.. tw.. five.. eight.. seven.. two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six.. teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!"

 

Kevin James

 

I have dumped a girl over the phone - it's terrible isn't it? We got into an argument during a phone call so I basically said, I don't wanna be with you any more,' and she cried... I saw her after that and it was a bit awkward, but we're not enemies now, so that's cool…But I wouldn't recommend it, it's very mean!

 

Justin Bieber

 

"The next person's phone I hear set to Vivaldi is going to need a hydraulic pump to pry their phone out of their ass."

 

Maddox