Thursday, May 23, 2019 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Lee Evans

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The Happy Eater! They're miserable as f**k! You go in the Happy Eater, you'll see a woman behind the counter at the deep fat frier like this [sobs] "DON'T ASK FOR CHIPS! [sobs louder] I FUCKIN' HATE CHIPS!" "Chips with this, chips with that... chips with me an' all." I'll stick me head in the deep fat frier in a minute: "Chips with this, chips with that..."

Lee Evans

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And then I saw the menu, stained with tea and beautifully written by a foreign hand, and on top it said…"Chips with everything". Chips with every damn thing. You breed babies and you eat chips with everything.

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I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. F**kin'...potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god, dammit dammit.

Mitch Hedberg

See, look, uh, I—I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay. They f**k my shit right up. Like a guy calls me up and says, "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the football game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other a little—you know, just us guys. You wanna come over?" And I'm like, "No."

John S. Hall

[Harry, talking about the doctor who came to the ward and then went away.] "That guy has a thing about potato chips and hot dogs. If God didn't want us to eat salt and fat, why did He make them taste so good?"

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