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I want to be a Mrs. Kenny Rogers kind of woman. You know... the kind of lady he sings about: "Oh Lady, I was just scum in the sewer until you came along and made me a man." With hair that's light, but not really blonde, that would be too cheap. Instead, sort of a wheat-and-sunstreaked affair with not a lot of hairspray. A ninety-five dollar cut that looks like your hair just naturally grows out of your head like that. The kind of woman who always, no matter what, has that I-understand-and-am-knowing-without-being-threatening kind of always smile.

 

Kathy Najimy

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I play in a rock and roll band called The Rock Bottom Remainders. It's other authors. It's Stephen King and Amy Tan and Dave Barry and a bunch of others of us. We play to raise money for charities, because we're kind of a freak show, but we're not bad. I play a guitar and a mandocello... And since you don't know what a mandocello sounds like or how it should be played, you can say with some authority I'm the most interesting mandocello player you've ever heard. Anyhow, we're in this hotel and this maid comes in and she keeps looking at me and she smiled and she said, "I know who you are." And I said, "No you don't. Who am I?" And said, "You're Kenny Rogers." And I of course said, "No, no, no." And she said, "If you were Kenny Rogers you wouldn't say you were Kenny Rogers would you? So you must be Kenny Rogers." ... So that evening I'm walking along with my guitars going to the elevator and she went up like a skyrocket, "See! I knew you were Kenny Rogers!" So I signed her card, "Love and kisses, Kenny Rogers."

 

Robert Fulghum

 

And the thing is woman do have to do all kinds of things themselves. And they lie about it 'cause of all the pressure. Woman go and get their hair made bullet-proof and get the implants. The silly clothes and the stupid shoes everybody wears now. You know these... And they say: "Oh, l enjoy. l did it for me, you know. l like the fact that it takes me 45 minutes to get in or out of a chair." l've always wanted to look like a prawn who's being airlifted. lt's a total lie. That's not the kind of thing a person does for themselves. You know what l did for me? I had an eclair inside an eclair. That's the kind of thing you do for yourself.

 

Dylan Moran

 

About Mumtaz, Shobhaa De said, "Mumtaz was in the Marilyn Monroe-mould - every man's fantasy woman. She is or was, the kind of woman any man would want to pamper and bury in diamonds, silks, satins... She had a courtesan kind of charm. Absolutely top marks go to her as greatest sex symbol. She was cute, impish, voluptuous. The way she used her body was so natural. She looked juicy! Her smile, her eyes, her pug nose, she was all woman. I don't think anyone else projected sexuality the way she did. She was a raving beauty, and in person too, was very attractive. A great smile, a great sense of humour, and a very no-nonsense down-to-earth manner. She was one woman who did not antagonise other women. And I'm sure every man she met lusted after her. She seemed immensely beddable."

 

Mumtaz

 

[About going upstairs to "kill his son."] So I say, "Your mother sent me up here to kill you." He says, "Uh-huh." So I looked at him. And I noticed that from here...[points to one side of his head and circles around to the other side] all the way around to here...there was no hair! I said, "Son?" Called him "son". "What happened to your hair?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, take your hand and put it on top of your head and tell me what you feel." He said, "There's no hair." I said, "Right! Now, tell Dad what happened to your hair." He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, was your head with you all day today?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Was this the hairstyle you wanted?!" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "A reverse MOHAWK?!!" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Did you cut your hair off?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that?" He said, "I don't know!" I said, "Is this the hair style you wanted?!" He said "Uh-huh!" I said, "A REVERSED mohawk?!" So I went back downstairs, and my wife said "DID YOU KILL HIM?!" I said "No!" She said, "Why?" I said "I don't know!!!"

 

Bill Cosby