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Andrew Dice Clay

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What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed f**king salad!

 
Andrew Dice Clay

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I was on a plane, and the steward was coming down the aisle. "Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad...Asian chicken salad..." And he gets to me and he's like, "...chicken salad!" What does he think I'm gonna do? "Dis is not de salad of my people! In my homeland, dey use mandarin orange slices...and crispy wonton crunches!"

 
Margaret Cho
 

Did you know that when a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you're trying to tell me that your child is special because one out of 200 million -- that load! we're talking one load! -- connected. Gee, what are the f**king odds? 200 million; you know what that means? I have wiped civilizations off my chest with a gray gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel! That is special. And I want you to remember that, you two egg-carrying beings out there, with that holier-than-thou "we have the gift of life" attitude. I've tossed universes...in my underpants...while napping! Boom! A milky way shoots into my jockey shorts, "Aaaah, what's for f**king breakfast?"

 
Bill Hicks
 

IT tossed and tossed,—
A little brig I knew,—
O’ertook by blast,
It spun and spun,
And groped delirious, for morn.

 
Emily Dickinson
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